My relationship with alcohol...

** Disclaimer: I wrote this a while ago now, only just had the chance/confidence to post it! ** 

My relationship with alcohol is like one of a f*ck boy. I know it's no good for me but when I feel weak and vulnerable I always run back. 

One thing that has been a huge eyeopener for me this year is genuinely, especially over the last couple of months is how much I dislike drinking. Well not so much drinking, but who I am when I have one too many. Anyone who has seen me on a night out would find this really hard to believe, from the over-the-top confident girl I carry myself as, to anyone else would think this is the life for me. Truth is, I just really don’t like how it makes me act, I’ve made countless mistakes whilst being intoxicated and I hate how it makes me feel in the aftermath of a ‘sesh’. 

Here I am sitting here on a Sunday evening, the hangziety has been creeping in throughout the day because once again I let one drink turn into a bottle and then a couple of beers and shots thrown in for extra measure. I didn’t even plan on having a night out but it ended up with me down the pub and bars for 4 hours, taking myself to McDonald’s at 1am, headed home in a taxi on my own, money spent that I didn’t need to and a horrific hangover this morning that I could have definitely done without. 

 So, it’s brought me on here to air it all out. Why I feel the need to do it when I really don’t enjoy it is beyond me. Over the last couple of weeks, I have made a conscious effort to focus on more productive aspects of my life (like writing on here, running, my job and creating more content for Instagram) and have only had a drink or a glass of wine with dinner or on a Sunday night watching The Handmaid’s Tale with my mum (tragic, I know). But, then there are these days when I get an overwhelming need to just drink and drink, maybe it’s because I find it difficult to say no, or maybe it’s because there’s something in me deep down that just wants to escape and get absolutely out of it. In this case, I felt like it was a Saturday night and there was nothing better to do, most of my friends were with their boyfriends and I’m still so painfully single, but the thing is, it doesn’t get me anywhere at all. Yeah okay it was a good night (the bits I remember) but it’s made today a complete write off when I had things planned, it’s made me feel guilty and has ramped up my anxiety 10000%. 

To be honest, last night was a tame one, I didn’t make as much of a tit of myself as I have done on previous nights out but only because I think I have been more conscious of how I act when inebriated. I’m also actually surprised that I knew when to call it a night, go and get some fast-food and head home. I was honestly just standing there, swaying, could hardly see straight and I was like nah. Not for me. I’m done.

 I watched a series the other week called Live Well for Longer (I am OBSESSED with programmes like these) and this particular episode was on the effects of alcohol. They took 4 groups of women, as women drink far more than men per week apparently, and each group were separated into how much they have to drink each week, ranging from 1-2 glasses to 2-4 bottles of wine or more. They each had to give up alcohol for a month and the results were shocking! Overall it had a massive beneficial impact on their health with some of them cutting down dramatically afterwards because it was such a substantial difference. 

 I always knew that drinking a lot of alcohol had a negative impact on your health and I’m also convinced that it’s the main reason I am finding it hard to lose weight I have put on over the last couple of years. So, it just makes me think, why do I even bother. I am a much happier and positive person when I’m not in a 3-day hangover ridden with anxiety and self-guilt. It’s a vicious cycle that I get myself stuck in all too often. 

Now, I’m not saying that I am giving up alcohol for good, I just think it’s time to be more responsible with it. I hate being the person who doesn’t know when to stop, ALWAYS ends up blacking out and not being able to remember the second half of the night and then have my friends kindly remind of how much of a twat I was. The only time I’m able to write and concentrate properly or create content for Instagram is at the weekend’s and that’s near on impossible if I’m hungover. I like being busy, being productive and I get such satisfaction from doing something with my day, which just doesn’t happen if I have had a heavy night drinking. So, I just end up sitting there, wondering what on earth happened the night before, feeling guilty and unproductive, oh and an empty bank account just to top it off. 

 Yeah, so it’s pretty clear up until now I’ve had a pretty toxic relationship with alcohol. I’m not sure if it’s just me growing up but I much prefer a girl’s night in, dinner with friends or an actual activity that can involve one or two beers but that’s it. I like to remember what actually occurred throughout the evening and wake up on a Sunday not wanting to jump out a window (figuratively not literally). I want to take each day to do something that's going to have a positive effect on me in the short and long term. It’s going to be hard and I probably will have slip ups but hopefully those slip ups will be less and less often. 

This will be a HUGE test and challenge for me. The next few months is going to give me the opportunity to get stuck in situations where drinking uncontrollably is possible but I’m determined to take it easy, enjoy the good times (lol) and time with my friends instead of not remembering it or spending the whole next day in a coma. 

 We’ll see how it goes!

 I'll be sure to keep you all updated! 

 Best wishes, Hannah xx