Hello all,
It's been a while.
Wow what can I say, what a rollercoaster of a couple years it has been... Let's catch you up quickly, I've been in and out of yet another toxic relationship, and several situationships, changed roles at work, got certified as a coach, bought my own place, had two more rounds of therapy, started a coaching instagram and had several breakdowns... But it's all good, we made it here!
I'm not sure on the significance of this blog post, but as I sit here in a pub garden on yet another downward spiral on this mental health journey, I had the urge to write... I also had the urge to order a FAT glass of white wine at the pub but alas, I'm sitting here with a coffee.
One of the things I feel I am struggling a lot with at the moment is loneliness. So I guess I can talk about that for a bit.
When I think of someone that's lonely, I tend to think of that Bridget Jones scene where she's sitting on her own singing her heart out to All By Myself by Celine Dion... It's emotional, it's bleak, and it's a sort of 'laugh or you'll cry' situation. Funnily enough I was sitting in the bath the other day, when my spotify shuffle started playing that exact song and as I sung it out in my tub, I thought, god, my poor neighbours must think what on earth! What a sad little life she must lead (Come Dine With Me reference there, IYKYK). Anyway, that's pretty stereotypical of what I think loneliness is, and my life isn't that stereotypically lonely, but yet I am feeling lonely a hell of a lot.
I have a lot of friends, I go on dates, I have a caring and loving family, I have a busy work life which is filled with meetings. And yet from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep i'm more or less alone, and lonely.
I've lived on my own now since the end of October last year, and I feel like since living on my own, I've done everything in my power to not actually physically be on my own or be alone mentally. I scroll Instagram or TikTiok for hours, binge watch Netflix (whilst multitasking scrolling), I binge drink, I have friends over, I stay at friends, I go and work in the office or in coffee shops, I spend a lot of time at my parents still, I call my friends a lot, I make plans like there's no tomorrow just to avoid being on my own and feeling lonely.
I realised after a pretty deep and intense chat with my therapist in January that I was doing everything I could to avoid being alone with myself, with my thoughts, with my emotions.
Granted even after realising this, it's now March and I vowed to change my ways and that lasted about a week before going back to my usual coping strategies. HOWEVER, I am determined this time to learn what's like to be truly alone and feel comfortable being alone.
It all comes down to what my own perception of being alone really is. Growing up we're conditioned to want to be in a relationship, get married, start a family. And yes whilst this is great, it makes the thought of being alone, sort of like a failure, like you've not won at life, like your life is bleak or just isn't as good as those who aren't alone.
Not only this, it's simply in our DNA and genetics that since cavemen times, we've always moved around in tribes, in packs. So when it comes to being alone, it just doesn't feel comfortable, we feel like we're an outcast or not accepted.
I'm trying my best at the moment to become aware of my thoughts around being alone and what exactly about is triggering me to feel so lonely.
I'm journalling a lot to get to the root of why I have such a negative bias towards being on my own.
'Cause let's be honest, being alone is actually f**cking great! I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I have 2 hour long baths, lay in bed for hours and read. I only have my own energy to deal with and don't have to be affected by others if they are negative and it's easier to protect my own energy. I have so much time to work on myself, self-develop, indulge in passions & interests, I get to deepen all my friendships and relationships with family members that I probably wouldn't have as much time for if I wasn't alone. I spend a lot of time on cooking nice meals (whilst singing to Beyonce) and eating well, feeding my body with so much nutritious food that I can then use as fuel on the all the workouts and long walks I have time for.
It really ain't all that bad.
I'm working on changing the narrative of being alone. I'm working on being happy with just me, all by myself.
I've written this because during a journalling session this morning, I answered a question on loneliness which was, 'What can you do to find more connection?'
The answer was writing. I love to write, I feel good when I write and I feel even better if other people can resonate with my writing.
All the best,
Hannah xxx
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