Becoming mindful...

In light of what has happened recently with yet another celebrity being found hanged in their flat, I have felt so angry and frustrated about the situation that it's driven me to write another post. Not because I'm an expert but when you have personally been in the darkest times and somehow managed to come out of it, it makes me greatly saddened that some people just cannot see a way forward. Caroline Flack was found dead in her apartment on Saturday 15th February, whilst her friend had popped to the shops. So many questions go along with this, had she planned it, how long had she been thinking of doing this, was she always going to take her own life if the CPS came back and said they would pursue her case? It's difficult to know, but this accompanied with living her turmoil in the public eye and the trolling she faced online, was enough for anyone to begin accumulating negative thought patterns. 

Over the course of the last 2 years, there have been multiple times where I feel so low that I cannot see a way out. I've thought about suicide too many times to count and thankfully that's all it was, thoughts. During the last few months of 2019, I took on a Mindfulness course and I truly believe that based on what I learnt and subsequently incorporated into my life during this time, it has completely changed my life. To think back to who I was over a year ago to now, the change is incomprehensible. Of course, there are still bad days, where I'm pissed off because nothing is going right. But, that is all they are...days. I know that whatever is going through my mind during those times is temporary. Whenever I feel low, I give myself a week. Just a week to ride it out and see how much changes within that time. If a week isn't long enough, give yourself a month. Always just give yourself more and more time and I can assure you things can get better. I practice feeling grateful and love for every aspect of my life, which has helped and encouraged me to feel empathy, patience and compassion for other people. 

There is the saying floating around social media now off the back of one of Caroline's last Instagram posts, which is "In a world where you can be anything...be kind". I honestly believe that what the fuck is the point in being nasty to someone. Especially when it's hidden behind a computer screen, it's just cowardly. I'm fortunate enough to not have had to deal with much trolling but I can safely say, I have NEVER gone out of my way to put another person down or unnecessarily said anything horrible to another person in order to make them feel like shit. 'Cause what is the actual point? It wouldn't make me feel happy, it wouldn't please me, there isn't anything I would gain out of being unkind to another person. I read a post on @Megan_rose_lane Instagram the other day and her caption summed this up perfectly. 

It was Wayne Dyer that said "When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out - because that's what's inside. When you are squeezed, what comes out is what's inside." 

Which leads me to believe that people who get their kicks from spewing abuse at other human beings must be filled with anger, bitterness and sadness. A fulfilled, happy and content person doesn't have the capacity to hate on others. You squeeze them and nothing but love, patience and empathy comes out, because that's what's inside. 

So to make the world a more loving place and really create a wave of massive change, we must encourage people to heal their shit. Dig deep, look at their trauma, handle their emotions and do the work required to become a good and compassionate human. We must talk about mental health non-negotiable. We must ask people how they are and refuse to take 'fine' for an answer. We need to help eachother, and pave the way by being more open, more vulnerable and more accepting of each other's personal struggles than ever before. 

Unless you have had the chance to stand directly in someone else's shoes, shared their upbringing, know their fears and inner struggles and trauma - you have no right to judge them. You just don't. It's not your business. Work on your own shit, let them work on theirs, and unless you've got words of encouragement or a helping hand to reach out to them- say nothing. 

Every time you judge someone, turn it around and ask yourself what that statement says about you - and carefully address what you need to heal in order to step it up and become a better version of yourself. 

Now, there isn't much point to this blog if I'm completely honest. Other than I'm using it as a platform to vent. Given that my blog has now just reached over 100,000 views worldwide, I thought maybe if I discuss what I learnt, how I overcame dark times, then maybe it can help someone else reading this. What has happened to Caroline and unfortunately countless other people over the last few years, just SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING. We need to unite more and overcome difficulties together instead of dragging each other down. We need to be mindful of how we act towards other people, how our words can come across. Be mindful of the fact that, yes if we're in a bad mood, there is absolutely no reason to take that out on anyone else. 

Being more mindful in day to day life, has a knock on affect to every other aspect of your life. How you see yourself, how you treat others, your day-to-day mood, your work, relationships and so on. "Mindfulness is the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally to things just as they are." - Williams, Teasdale, Segal and Kabat-Zinn (2007) 

For example, how many times have you been driving along and suddenly think oh fuck, I just switched off for the last 5 minutes and have been driving on auto-pilot...? In the same way, throughout our lives a similar auto-pilot can occur, without really noticing it as we aren't really "present". When we're on auto-pilot we are more likely to get pissed off about things, events around us and thoughts, feelings and sensations in the mind (of which we may be only dimly aware) can trigger old habits of thinking that are unhelpful and can lead to a worsening mood...By becoming more aware of our thoughts, feelings and body sensations from moment to moment (no matter how horrible), we give ourselves the possibility of greater freedom and choice. We do NOT have to go down the same old "mental ruts" that may have caused problems in the past. To do this, you need to practice a lot and increase awareness so that we can respond to situations with choice rather than react automatically. The first point of call for this is just noticing, over and over again. When you are on auto-pilot notice it, bring your attention back to how you feel, right now. Whenever you feel like shit, notice how that comes through in your body...racing heart, sweating palms, headaches? Just noticing this and accepting negative emotions can have an absolutely huge impact. Pushing these feelings away encourages more negative emotions to accumulate. 

I know I have gone on about mediation far too much in other recent posts, but I cannot hammer it home enough of how important it is in training your brain to be more mindful in general daily living. People have told me "it's not for me" "I can't do it" "I can't clear my mind" but then still have anxiety and depression issues with ruminating thoughts a daily occurrence. I'm not saying mindfulness mediation can heal everything and everyone but every little helps, right? 

When I first started, I said all the same things, but once I learnt that mediation wasn't about clearing your mind of all thoughts, becoming relaxed and all zen or whatever, it made it easier. I stopped putting pressure on myself and judging myself for not feeling a certain way whilst or after mediating and it soon became SO much more uncomplicated. 

A powerful influence taking us away from being "fully present" in each moment is our automatic tendency to judge our experience as not being quite right in some way - thinking "that isn't what should be happening", "it's not good enough" or if it's not what we expected or wanted, these judgements can lead to sequences of thoughts about blame, what needs to be changed, or how things could or should be different. And so, more often than not, these thoughts will take us, quite automatically, down some fairly well-worn paths in our minds. This is how we may lose awareness of the moment and also the freedom to choose what, if any, action needs to be taken. 

We can regain our freedom if, as a first step, we simply acknowledge the actuality of our situation, without automatically being hooked into automatic tendencies to judge, fix or want things to be different. I realised the key to doing this is literally just down to taking the time to notice how you're feeling, feeling all the sensations in your body, it's a time to notice how busy or quiet your mind is and if it is busy, what those thoughts are and why they are coming up so much. The more you do this, the less you end up on auto-pilot and 'react' instead of 'respond' to situations in your life. The more I worked on mindfulness; relaxation and a more calm exterior was just a natural result of it. I wasn't putting pressure on myself to have this result, but it just happened from putting in the work daily to understanding my own emotions. Once you let go of thinking there is a certain goal to be achieved from mindfulness and actually just realise it's noticing how things are as they are, you've cracked it. 

Okay, so what if the things you are noticing you don't like? You're feeling hurt, ashamed, guilty for whatever reason. Gathering your scattered mind, honing in on your breathe and how this feels, accepting the feelings, gives you the power to progress. Tell yourself good things, no matter how ridiculous or how hard you find it to believe, the more you do it, the more you will believe it. You HAVE to be your own mascot and you cannot  rely on anyone else to do this for you. You live in your own head, your WHOLE life. Why make it a hard place to be? 

Learning to let go and just letting things be is super, super hard but once you can do this, everything else gets a little bit easier. If you find yourself facing some difficulty and you can see your mind is being drawn to a particular place, to particular thoughts, feelings or body sensations, take a deliberate step, a gentle and friendly awareness to whatever is pulling for our attention, noting the sense of being pulled again and again to the same place. Then we notice, as best we can, how we are relating to whatever is arising in the body & mind...Our reactions to our own thoughts and feelings may determine whether they are passing events or if they persist. Often, we can be with an arising thought, feeling or body sensation but in a non-allowing reactive way. If we like it, we may become attached to it, and try to hold onto it. If, on the other hand, we dislike it, because it's painful, unpleasant or uncomfortable in some way, we may be fearful or irritated, we might tense up and contract, or to try and push it away. Each and everyone of these responses is the opposite of allowing. 

In order to do this, we need to let go of the idea that things should be different or trying to make things different. Allowing experiences means simply allowing space for whatever is going on, rather than trying to create some other state. (Segal, Williams, and Teasdale (2013). Through cultivating a willingness to experience, we settle back into awareness of what is already present. We let it be...we simply notice and observe what is already here. By doing this and without automatically or subconsciously pushing away negative feelings, we are able to encourage the negative feelings to subside. When we see them clearly, it helps prevent us from getting pulled into brooding and ruminating about them, or trying to suppress and avoid them. We can then begin the process of freeing ourselves from them and with that comes the possibility of responding skilfully and with compassion, rather than reacting. 

One practice I've found super helpful, whenever my mind is becoming too cloudy or busy, is simply taking a 3-minute breathing space. Sit quietly for just 3 minutes, the first minute, simply notice what is happening right now, your thoughts, feelings and body sensations, even describe what is coming up and put your experience into words. 

Second minute, redirect your attention to your breathe. Count the breathes. Sometimes I count 10 whole breaths and this really helps with concentration. Like, inhaling 1, exhaling 1, inhaling 2, exhaling 2 and so on up to 10. 

During the third minute, expand your attention to the whole body. Become aware of your posture and facial expression and breathe into these regions. If you find any certain areas of tension or resistance, breathe into them. 

I've done this enough times, to know that it does work. Taking a moment to gather your shit together really does help. 

I truly hope that some of this rant has been somewhat helpful. Being kind isn't a chore, it never should be and it all can start with being mindful of how we are already acting and feeling. Let's take a step together towards being kinder, more empathetic and more compassionate people and maybe, (without trying to sound too Miss World right now) the world can be a better place. 

All the best,

Hannah xx